Our brave new progressive world, from A to Woke

New York Post

In his woke instruction manual “1984,” author George Orwell wrote about how important it is to control the dictionary. The one who controls the language controls the past, present and future. “Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thought-crime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it,” Orwell wrote. Thanks for the great idea, Mr. Orwell! To that end, the staff of satire site The Babylon Bee has put together a glossary of all the words you’ll need to know if you want to sound smart while hanging out with your other woke friends. You’ll find it in their new book, out next week, called “The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness.” But you, lucky progressive, get an exclusive first look:

Abolitionism — The noble movement to remove all police protection from urban communities and replace it with unarmed antiracist interpretive dancers.

Ally — A straight white male who kills himself.

Antiracism — The act of judging everyone by skin color in order to defeat racism.

Antifascism — The act of beating people senseless with bike locks to defeat fascism.

Canceling — The sacred ritual of shunning those who deny the doctrines of our righteous movement. Shun the nonbeliever!

Capitalism — A system in which people freely exchange goods and services. The evilest system that has ever been invented.

Cisgender — An unenlightened normie who identifies with their biological sex.

Cisgendered Hetero Patriarchonormative Whitemanspreading — What? No idea what this is. But it sounds terrible!

Climate Justice — The act of living in mud huts and eating bugs until the cancer of humanity is extinguished and Mother Gaia can live on. Also, any tax can be considered climate justice.

Colorblind — Adjective describing someone who doesn’t see color or race. Just like the Nazis. This is supremely evil, since it turns a blind eye to the lived experience and daily reality of people of color, who all have the same monolithic lived experience and daily reality.

Communism — Basically, it’s loving people and sharing with them, just like the Care Bears taught. It’s the greatest system ever invented.

Critical Theory — The classification of all human interactions as some sort of power imbalance that must be remedied by dismantling systems of oppression until all meaningless sacks of meat and chemicals are the exact same and life is uninteresting, which will make it much easier for humans to just kill themselves, which is the ultimate goal here.

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