Name: The foreskin facial.
Age: At least a week old.
Appearance: A serum cloned from the circumcised foreskins of South Korean babies.
Quick question: is this the end of the world? Not at all. It is perfectly normal to want to have the liquidised foreskins of multiple babies rubbed all over your face.
You’re sure? Because this sounds exactly like something that would happen before or in the aftermath of the collapse of civilisation. Don’t be daft. Kate Beckinsale had it done. She seems like a nice, normal person, right?
The same Kate Beckinsale who dresses up as a pantomime horse? That’s right.
I’ll hate myself for this, but can you explain the foreskin facial? Of course! Epidermal growth factor (EGF) serum is derived from the progenitor cells of the human fibroblast taken from the foreskins of newborn babies.
And what does it do? Glad you asked. It helps to generate collagen and elastin, which can help to boost the radiance of your face. Fun sidenote: it also smells exactly like sperm!
Well, sign me up. Wait, there’s more. For the serum to take hold, a beauty therapist must first microneedle you.
I don’t know what that is. Oh, it’s fun. It’s where a pen containing dozens of tiny needles repeatedly stabs you in the face hundreds of thousands of times. It’s excruciatingly painful, but it does help the baby foreskins sink into your face.
Seriously, where do I sign? Ah – bad news. According to several reports, there’s a two-year waiting list for the foreskin facial. Plus, a single treatment costs nearly £500.
Better leave it to the likes of Beckinsale, then. If it helps, she’s thrilled with the treatment. She recently captioned a closeup of her pristine face: “After a long flight I do like to lie down and be covered in a mask of liquified cloned foreskins – frankly who doesn’t?”